postr/StutterApril 7, 2019

My stutter is affecting my confidence and my ability to lead a normal life

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Content

My stutter is affecting my confidence and my ability to lead a normal life TL;DR - law student struggling with a stutter which has led to serious confidence and mental health issues This is the first time I'm putting how I've felt over the years about my stutter in words. In doing so, I hope to get some opinion, advice, anything, from you guys or at best, hope that it proves to be therapeutic for me in some way. I'm 23 and I have stuttered my whole life. Up till 3rd grade, I wasn't really conscious about it - I used to participate in debates, poetry recitations, extempores etc. During this time, my parents took me to a speech therapist, which I failed to understand why since I didn't think I was any different. Things changed when I moved to a different town and entered 4th grade. I was surrounded by new people and being a naturally reserved child, I did not participate in much social interaction. I stopped participating in public speaking competition and started focusing on academics. I still stuttered though, and I remember feeling extremely ashamed and embarrassed about it when a friend made fun of it. However instances like this have been rare. I've been fortunate enough to have a group of supportive people around me wherever I've went. But this hasn't made a dent in the ocean of inadequacy which I feel on a daily basis. And it certainly does not get any lesser in a law school, where the gold standard of success is how many debates and mock trials you've won. While in law school, I've taken two speech therapies, which did not help me one bit. Talking to my parents has also been a dead end, they thought therapy would be the end of my stutter. My stutter has been the same throughout, it has neither increased, nor decreased. My self confidence though, is at an all time low. We recently had our placement drive where I was not selected by a single recruiter. During my mock interviews, the common feedback which I received from every single interviewer was that I appeared underconfident, nervous and timid, with minimal or no eye contact. I've internalised this to the extent it's starting to show in my social interactions. I've been on a downward spiral ever since, re-evaluating whether law was the correct choice, hating myself for this stutter which just won't go away, and thinking whether I'd ever land a decent job or not. All this analysing and overanalyzing has really taken a toll on my mental health, so much so that I feel exhausted the whole day without doing anything. Right now, the future is a blur and I don't see any silver lining. I'm out of ideas and motivation. I just don't know how to tackle this anymore.

Themes

Anticipation & AvoidanceEmotional Experience

Subthemes

Avoidance & SubstitutionHiding & ConcealmentOverthinking & MonitoringHelplessness & Agency

Codes (3)

intimidation_authoritysocializing_group_sizesocializing_one_on_one