In terms of identity, we change with our surroundings. This doesn't mean we become someone else, or something wrong. There may, of course, be some of these changes we don't like. My guess is that you don't like speaking - which, obviously, makes sense, since it's a struggle. So, perhaps what you feel is rather "relief". And again, this is quite understandable. However, perhaps it would make sense to you to try and get out of the mindset that you're _more_ "you" when you're alone (i.e. not speaking). Don't tie your notion of "self" to the relief you feel when you're alone. I think this may make it harder for you to engage with everything else, on top of already having to struggle with speech. Do you see what I'm saying?