Thanks man, you have made alot of sense and I appreciate your sentiments and struggles. I have never taken a week of to think of my stutter, my mind has become conditioned to it. You are 100% correct I need to believe in my self and not worry about the past. I used to see the words I wanted to say in my head but not I may have conditioned my brain not even to see those words. Its all about fear and anxiety, I need to be fearless as you say! I used to have the same "wishing to die" thoughts as you in my darkest hours also. I wish I hadn't smoked pot heavily but I have. I started smoking it during uni, it was a good way to meet friends and i had a had a good buzz. I didnt realise it would contribute this much negativelty to me. If I was you, I would stop the pot (it's difficult I had 7 nights of nightmares, emotion and cold sweats when I stopped). How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Yes stopping for me made my stutter worse to start with but then it improved as I got used to it. I also found reading out loud from a book helps me. I am also trying supplements such as Alcar, l-theanine to help with a positive brain set. I have ordered choline, colouracetam and aniracetam and deciding the best way to test these out. It will definitely be lower then the lowest dose recommend my brother