You really, really, really need professional help. You are valuable and have the potential to lead a happy life. A psychologist is going to be a million times more useful to you than a speech therapist. Your problem isn't your stutter - and I know that where you're at, that sounds like BS, but it's true - your problem is that your stutter is triggering other mental issues. 1% of people stutter, which means there are countless stutterers around the world telling funny jokes, going to parties, saying whatever they want, and generally leading fulfilled lives. In short, see a therapist, and don't give up on yourself. Your happiness isn't contingent on your fluency.